You Don't See Me
by Shingeki-No-Koiji
Summary: [Erwin x Reader] Another request from a wonderful person on DeviantArt. The prompt was for an angst fic with Erwin and the reader. Hopefully this is angsty enough, in contrast to my super fluffy Marco fic :)


Thunder was rumbling across the darkening sky, heralding the arrival of a summer storm. The last remaining patches of cerulean were swiftly being consumed by dense, boiling grey clouds. All sunlight had long since been obscured, and the general mood from the weather seemed to reflect that of the Survey Corps headquarters.

You were in Erwin Smith's office, perched on the edge of the meeting chair before his desk. The Commander himself was seated across from you behind the antique desk, hunched over mountains of paperwork strewn haphazardly across it's surface. Absently fiddling with the edge of your sleeve, you observed him working with mournful eyes. You noticed how incredibly exhausted he looked. His normally healthy skin looked pallid, dark smudges splashed under his eyelids. His hair hung limply, disheveled and unkempt. The mouth that so deftly commanded hundreds of soldiers was now drawn in a thin, tight line.

Not once had he looked up, or spoken to you. For hours now, you had waited in his office, silently imploring him to make some kind of conversation with you. Temptation was urging you to make the first move, to break the silence. However, every time you had almost opened your mouth, you faltered.

_Who am I to speak to you at a time like this, anyway? After all, it's only been 2 days since we returned from that dreadful expedition..._

So many had fallen to the monsters outside. Massive hands grasping, grabbing, pulling and shredding. Gaping mouths lined with thick, crushing teeth. The blood curdling shrieks, the sounds of flesh ripping, of bones snapping like dry twigs...

The excursion beyond Wall Rose hadn't been your first, but had definitely been your most traumatic experience so far as a cadet. A cadet, that's all you were. All you ever would be. A young, foolish soldier who had become helplessly entranced by the sharp, azure eyes and stoic demeanor of her superior. You had followed orders faultlessly, unquestioning. However, part of you had yearned to break formation, to follow close to Erwin and protect him from the titan onslaught.

_I must have been a fool, to assume that those stolen gazes and brief smiles across the mess hall meant anything. Those sideways glances, all the times we shared coffees together, how I told you about my fears and thought you would take me seriously... I must have been letting my imagination get the better of me again, Sir._

The indignation built up in your chest, causing your heart to ache and your eyes to prickle in protest. Almost like a reflection of your inner turmoil, the rain began to pour. Streaming down the window in icy rivulets, almost inviting you to follow suit. Determined not to lose face, you finally snapped the silent spell that had fallen over the office.

"How awful the weather is getting today, Sir. I hope the training grounds don't get too muddy for the cadets."

Erwin didn't seem to notice your statement, despite how loud and unnatural your voice felt in the cold, soundless office. His quill pen continued to scratch against parchment, signing document after document. The minutes ticked by soundlessly.

_Maybe I've just been an idealistic child, to think I had some kind of a chance. Love is too dangerous and fleeting in this place, right Commander?_

You decided to try again.

"Hey, Commander Erwin... it's starting to get pretty cold in here, would you like me to bring you a coffee? I'm not the best at making them..." A single hot tear rolled down your cheek, as he didn't even deign to look up at you, "but it would warm you up, right? I don't want you to get sick."

_Even if love is impossible here, I know that I can never stop trying. No matter how hard I try to fight it, you'll always be my weakness._

Erwin sighed, placing his pen back into his ink-pot. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his spine out painfully. You watched him shut his eyes tight against the popping sounds, feeling the despair creeping over your skin. Defiantly, you wiped at your face with your sleeve, adamant not to be seen as a weeping child.

"Maybe I should light the fireplace for you at least, sir?"

_Just let me go on with my life with the impression that our fleeting moments meant something to you too. If I can at least hold that to my heart, I can be happy._

Finally he slumped back forwards, chin resting on his calloused hands. His deep, blue eyes usually brimming with determination seemed so dull as they raked over you to settle on the door.

You rotated in your seat slightly towards the door, to hear footsteps approaching down the hall. You were slightly surprised that Erwin had picked up on them through the sound of the heavy rain.

Your airways were tightening alarmingly. You felt dizzy, nauseous. Panic was constricting your chest, eyes brimming wide and fearful. Trembling, you turned back to stare at your Commander, who was still gazing past you blankly.

"...Sir?"

_Can't you hear me? This has to be some kind of nightmare, right? I'm gonna wake up soon, surely I will..._

You drew a shuddering breath. "C-Commander Erwin, Sir I-"

A sharp rapping of knuckles against the wooden door behind you interrupted you with a jolt. Your words caught in your throat, a painful lump that you couldn't swallow past.

"Enter." Erwin stated dully.

_Why won't you look at me anymore? Have I done something wrong...?_

The ornate door swung open with a shrill squeak as Lance-Corporal Levi entered the room, a small envelope clutched in one hand. Wordlessly, the short man closed the door behind him with a resonating click.

_Don't you see me, Commander...?_

"Good evening, Erwin." He said brusquely, striding over to your chair while never removing his gaze from the Commander.

Still overcome with your terror, you scrambled out of the armchair and leaned against the far wall, chest heaving. The rain was drumming brutally against the window next to you, the cimmerian clouds having completely drowned out the sky. Levi slumped down into the seat gracelessly. Narrowing his slate eyes, he curiously glanced down at the chair beneath him before shrugging and looking back to his Commander.

Trembling violently, you crawled onto the padded seat that ran along the edge of the window frame, slumped against the freezing glass. With your painfully wide-open eyes, you observed the exchange in panicked silence.

_I'm scared, Erwin, Sir. Please just say something to me?_

"For God's sake Erwin, it's like a fucking grave in here." Levi drawled, his expression irritable. "Can't you light the fireplace, or at least a candle?"

Erwin gave a faint, sad smile. "You know, Levi, the thought of doing that had occurred to me just before you arrived."

Yet another jolt of panic struck you, and you attempted to quell the rising speed of your breathing.

_B-But I offered to..._

Levi didn't seem to be buying it, letting out a disgruntled "Tch!" of disapproval.

"You'll go and get yourself sick again, shitty Commander. Now, what was it you wanted to speak to me about? I've got my hands full with shitty glasses and the brats already."

Grunting from his stiff shoulders, Erwin leaned onto his elbows and rested his chin on his hands once more.

"I wanted to make sure you sent out those reports, like I asked."

Levi crossed his arms over his chest, reclining himself back in the chair. He eyed the Commander beadily, his normally harsh expression seeming to soften slightly.

"And by reports, Erwin, do you mean the supply invoices or the _letters of condolences_ to the families?"

Erwin winced visibly, causing you to let out a small whimper. Levi's gaze seemed to flicker over to you briefly before roaming across the window. You clamped your hands over your mouth, tears rolling freely down your cheeks to drip off your fingertips.

"The letters for the families, Levi. Have they all been sent?"

Sighing, Levi leaned forwards to silently drop the paper he had been holding onto Erwin's desk. The Commander raised one tired eyebrow at his Corporal. Re-positioning himself in his chair, Levi inclined with his head at the envelope.

You watched Erwin in horror as he picked up the parchment, your bottom lip trembling anxiously.

_I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be listening to this conversation. I'll be punished for this, surely. Why haven't they dismissed me yet!? What's written on that paper!?_

"This has my wax seal on it, Levi."

The Corporal rolled his eyes, groaning. "Yes, Erwin. You really must be overworking yourself today. You wrote that. It's one of the condolence letters."

_Wait no I can't hear this, let me wake up plea-_

"It was your letter addressed to the family of (first name, last name)."

_Oh fuck I'm going to puke._

"There was no family left to send that letter to. I checked her military records. Turns out she was a Ziganshina survivor. No living relatives."

You slid further down against the window, the sensation of bile rising in your throat. Your hands, still clutched over your mouth, tightened.

_This is definitely some kind of sick joke or messed up nightmare, come on (name) time to wake up now... Wake up wake up wake up WAKE UP PLEASE!_

Even from your vantage point, you could see the confusion in Erwin's tired eyes slowly transition into despair. For a moment, his stoic mask crumbled.

"Levi, you're absolutely sure of this?"

The shorter man sighed and turned towards you. Your heart jumped into your throat before you realized he was gazing out the window again.

"Positive, Erwin. I figured you were the best person to give the letter to, since there's no family waiting for her to come home."

Erwin's head dipped low, hands clutching the letter in a relentlessly tight grip. His blond hair fell over his eyes, concealing them from view. A fierce light shot through the room, doggedly followed by a resonating boom of thunder. In that brief flash of brightness, you could swear you glimpsed a single droplet of water cascade from the tip of his nose.

Maybe before, the lightning could have startled you. Jolted you with surprise, reduced you to a giggling mess from how silly you would seem.

Never again.

Erwin's shoulders shook slightly with a bitter chuckle rumbling in his throat.

"You remember what I told you, I see. I guess I should have told her, too."

_...Told me what, Commander? Why do you have to look so broken?_

"I shouldn't have put her on the vanguard, Levi."

_Please Sir, what should you have told me?_

Levi's expression softened further, returning his eyes to roam over Erwin.

"You can't keep blaming yourself. She was a soldier, she enlisted knowing the risks. And she made a vow to die for you if she was ordered to. You know this."

Erwin nodded slowly, staring at the crumpled paper in his hands.

"Thankyou, Levi. You are dismissed now." Erwin's voice was hoarse, but his eyes were stern once more as he raised his head.

Levi rose from his chair to leave, wandering slowly to pause with his hand on the door-handle.

"Erwin, did you have anyone else in here today?"

Exhausted azure eyes rose to lock with steel gray ones.

"Nobody, you were the first. Any reason you ask?"

Levi twisted the door-handle, swinging the creaking door wide open. He stood in the open doorway, turned slightly to hold Erwin's eye contact. Silhouetted against the significantly brighter hallway, it was difficult to read Levi's expression.

"The armchair was already warm when I sat down."

And with that, the Corporal departed from the room. Silence took over once more, settling over the room like a thick blanket. Curled up noiselessly against the window, you observed Erwin sorrowfully.

"You don't see me anymore, do you Commander?" You murmured softly, tears trickling from your exhausted eyes.

The Commander rose from his seat, shuffling over to the window where you remained sitting. Crouching forwards to stare solemnly out through the glass, his large hand leaned on the cushion next to you.

_No matter what, I'll never blame you for what happened._

You gazed down at his strong hand longingly, fingers you had for so long wished to have locked with yours. No longer needing to consider trivial matters such as consequences, you rest your hand upon his.

There was no reaction, not that you expected one anymore.

"You may not see me anymore, my dear Commander. But I see you."

Wiping your cheeks with your free hand, you smiled sadly at his distant gaze. Slowly, you angled your face to watch the storm too.

"I can see you, and I will wait."


End file.
